Dec 7, 2013; Chicago, IL, USA; Chicago Bulls point guard Marquis Teague (25) reaches for a loose ball as Detroit Pistons point guard Brandon Jennings (7) looks on during the second half at the United Center. The Pistons beat the Bulls 92-75. Mandatory Credit: Rob Grabowski-USA TODAY Sports

NBA Tanking Rankings (week 7): Hello Chicago

There are some bad teams in the NBA and then there are some really bad teams in the NBA. They stink more than my– I’ll stop there.

Anyways, they’re bad. So we decided to make a ranking for them since, ya know, tanking is going to be so popular in the NBA this season. Forget power rankings, we know the Miami Heat are always going to top that, but who’s leading the NBA tanking ranking?? Yes, we want to make that a thing.

The Knicks are still bad, the Nets, too. The Bulls might not be far behind and the Heat, Pacers and Spurs are definitely the class of the NBA.

So let’s get this thing started. First, we’ll sectionalize them by levels of smell, just to make it interesting. Here we go…week 7…


SMELLY UNDERWEAR – Bad, but manageable.

10. Chicago Bulls


Record: 8-10

The Derrick Rose effect. Unfortunately the horrible Eastern Conference won’t let the Bulls fall out of the playoff picture entirely. Luol Deng may be traded later in the year, but the fact that Rose said he’d come back if he could late in the year may keep that from happening. 

9. Cleveland Cavaliers


Record: 7-13

Kyrie Irving is “pouting” and may be counting his days in Cleveland. Remember when LeBron James was going to see all the talent on this team and make his return home next summer?

8. Toronto Raptors


Record: 7-12

How in the world did the Raptors find a way to trade Rudy Gay? 


USED DIAPERS – A little worse than dirty underwear, but the smell is very much noticeable.

7. Philadelphia 76ers 

LW: 6

Record: 7-15

Accept the Tank. Live by the Tank. Embrace the Tank.   

6. Sacramento Kings

LW: 4

Record: 6-13

The Kings are going to be fun to watch, if nothing else. We’ll see if Rudy Gay can avoid messing that up for us.


ROADKILL – Man, you smell that? What’d we hit?

5. Brooklyn Nets

LW: 5

Record: 6-14

Deron Williams and Paul Pierce may be returning to the Nets lineup tonight. Health coming around, will they turn it around? 

4. Orlando Magic

LW: 7

Record: 6-15

Six losses in a row for this squad. Nice pieces, but don’t have THE piece yet. It’s understandable.  


DEAD FISH – Yeap, they’re dead. Where are the close pins?

 3.  New York Knicks

LW: 4

Record: 5-14

The Knicks beat the Nets and Magic convincingly, but then go and do something like lose by 41 to Boston. Tyson Chandler says he wants to return New Year’s Day. I guess that’s good. 

2. Utah Jazz

LW: 2

Record: 4-19

The Jazz are racking up the losses. 

1. Milwaukee Bucks

LW: 1

Record: 4-16

Plan is going exactly as planned for this Bucks team — AVOID THE 8TH SEED. 


Tags: Brooklyn Nets Chicago Bulls Cleveland Cavaliers Milwaukee Bucks NBA New York Knicks Orlando Magic Philadelphia 76ers Sacramento Kings Toronto Raptors Utah Jazz

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